Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Crude Post

Current Reading: Forty Signs of Rain, by Kim Stanley Robinson

Inspirational Quote: "This too shall pass." -- The Bible, I Corinthians 10:12

It's April 27th. I woke up this morning to find a light dusting of snow lying over the kingdom. I hadn't gone more than 2 kilometers south before it vanished, but still. Snow in late April is unexpected.

On my way home the other night, I ended up behind a plumbing van. Across the back of its rear doors, it had the blurb, "If you *@#$ today, thank a plumber." Something about it, other than the wingding censoring, struck me as wrong and I spent the rest of my drive home thinking about it.

I don't think I'll thank a plumber for my ability to excrete. I don't think a plumber has anything to do with it. It's a product of construction and intake.

I wasn't made by a plumber. I was made by a combination of an electrician (my father), a whiskey bottler (my mom) and God/Fate/Random Chance/Genetic Diversity. At least that's the story they've stuck to all these years.

Given that I inherited my sense of humor from my parents, calling them up to thank them for my ability to move my bowels would lead to nothing but a good two hours of hilarity.

Thanking God for my ability to pass processed food strikes me as a low-priority use of God's audience. There are other, more important things I'd like to address with Him/Her should the opportunity arise.

However, like every other functional human on the planet, I produce organic waste and it's a bit of a miracle if you think about it, so I suppose I should thank someone. Not a plumber, though.

Farmer's a good candidate. Especially one which produces high-fiber grain. They're the ones I'm going to rely on, more and more as I get older, to ensure that things continue to move smoothly.

But I don't want anyone to think I owe no debt to plumbers. They are important. They are necessary. Although I do not thank them for my ability to refine fertilizer from high-quality organics, I thank them for the mechanisms that carry it away.

So I propose the following revision: "If you *@#$ today, thank a farmer, or God, or your parents, if you have the nerve. If you didn't have to sit around in it, thank a plumber."

And why is it we talk about "taking a crap," but always leave one behind? And does anyone really "give a crap" about this?

Am I spending too much time thinking about this? Does the pope *@#$ black bears?


Lola Sharp said...

Anything I might add to this would be, well, crappy.

Ulysses said...

Ha! Yes, such are the (se)wages of sin.