Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Birthdays Have Chuck Norris.

I notice that today is Chuck Norris's 70th birthday.

I think his fame and reputation has only increased with the spread of the Internet as a result of the staggering number of Chuck Norris comparisons that get made.

In honor of this most auspicious occasion, I present the top ten Chuck Norris jokes:

  1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  8. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
  9. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
  10. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

(Stolen shamelessly from here.)

6 comments:

slcard said...

Ah, that was brilliant. I haven't had a good laugh riot from you in a while, Captain. Numbers 1-4 in overthoughts gave me a good chuckle too. Thanks.

Ulysses said...

Happy to oblige.

Here's a bonus:

11) Guns carry Chuck Norris for protection.

Andy said...

Chuck Norris was a Trending Topic on Twitter all day today. I talked about the funny tweets on my show http://bit.ly/a1TXze

slcard said...

Just thought I'd let you know how your sense of humor has spread:

I copy and pasted the jokes into an email to one of my brothers, who I was sure would appreciate them. I just learned he copied each one out, but substituted his boss' name in the place of Chuck Norris. He then stuck them up as signs all over his office for his boss to randomly discover. (I can't tell you what he does, because then he'd have to kill me.) I guess the crew took great delight in watching the head guy find them.

And thanks for the bonus: one cannot laugh enough.

Ulysses said...

Ha! That's beautiful!

Ulysses said...

...and because I don't think I can get enough of these, a few more from here

Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't foolish enough to attack him.

Where's Waldo? Hiding from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.